have not come here for a while so just popped in for the fun of it. life has been crazy . i can no longer know when he will come again. i am not bother to try figure out when . i am losing weight. i am limited at how much i can eat already. fuck... hahah...

jun heng is missing in me ... i wonder where is he again... stupid girl... y could u not just innore him for like another week ... he would hve given up by then ... too fast too painful for him... idiot ... haha ... haiz ...

as long as u love me ... backstreetboys ...

the time is still counting and running... when will i stop it...

i am suffering from bipolar disorder ... Rapid-cycling bipolar disorder ... wif symptoms of Psychosis, panic disorder and Schizophrenia ... and a 100% Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Symptoms of schizophrenia are divided into two groups: positive and negative. Positive symptoms refer to traits that are "added" to your personality and include a combination of disordered thinking (cognitive impairment) and psychotic symptoms (such as hallucinations). Negative symptoms are capabilities or aspects of your personality that are "lost" with schizophrenia (such as lack of emotion or expression) and usually develop first.

Negative symptoms include:
Inability to experience pleasure. This is a common symptom in schizophrenia and includes difficulty enjoying activities that once brought pleasure, such as playing golf or visiting with friends.
Lack of emotion. This can lead to few friendships or social contacts. Showing little facial expression, having poor eye contact, and slowed speech are characteristic.
Loss of motivation to succeed or accomplish goals. Job or school performance problems are common and usually due to an inability to complete tasks or goals.
Problems focusing or paying attention, difficulty processing information, confusion, and fragmented thoughts.

Positive symptoms include:
Hallucinations. These usually involve hearing voices, but they can involve all the senses—seeing, tasting, touching, hearing, or smelling something that is not there.
Delusions. These are firmly held but false beliefs. Some common experiences include thinking you are the President of the United States, or that you are being persecuted or chased by the CIA or by demons.
Disordered (confused) thinking and speech that does not make any sense. Examples include abruptly responding to questions, not being able to respond with enough information, or always giving a one-word reply to questions.
Bizarre or disorganized behavior. Usually the behavior involves being overly excited, angry, or unresponsive to other people. It may also include bizarre body movements, such as rocking back and forth or grimacing repeatedly.
Self-neglect, such as becoming isolated from other people, wearing dirty clothes, or neglecting living space until it becomes untidy or cluttered.
Inappropriate emotions, such as smiling when speaking of sad topics or laughing for no reason.

Mania may cause a person to:

Feel extremely happy or very irritable.
Have a very high opinion of him- or herself (inflated self-esteem).
Not need as much sleep as usual (may feel rested after 3 hours of sleep).
Talk more than usual.
Be more active than usual.
Have difficulty concentrating due to having too many thoughts at once (racing thoughts).
Be easily distracted by sights and sounds.
Act impulsively or do reckless things, such as go on shopping sprees, drive recklessly, get into foolish business ventures, or have frequent, indiscriminate, or unsafe sex.
Depression may cause a person to:

Feel sad or anxious for a significant time.
Feel hopeless or pessimistic.
Have slowed thoughts and speech due to low energy.
Have difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions.
Have changes in eating and sleeping habits leading to too much or too little eating or sleeping.
Have decreased interest in usual activities, including sex.
Have suicidal thoughts.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder in which a person becomes trapped in a pattern of intrusive and unwanted thoughts and repeatedly performs tasks or rituals to get rid of the thoughts. Fear of contamination is one of the most common obsessions, while hand-washing and checking are the most common compulsions.

Obsessions are thoughts and worries that will not go away. These thoughts are usually irrational and cause anxiety. For instance, the person may constantly worry, “My hands are dirty. I will get a disease.” Obsessions usually lead to irrational behaviors (compulsions).
Compulsions are recurring behaviors that a person feels a strong urge to do in response to obsessive thoughts or worries. For example, a person who has an obsession with dirty hands and disease may wash his or her hands over and over again.
In a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder, attempts to control his or her obsessions and resist the urge to perform certain compulsive behaviors may cause extreme anxiety or panic attacks.

ok too lazy to find more... haha .... my problems ... u have to understand.... it has no cure ... i am sorry to find out tat ... sigh...

hmm ... almost thought i forgot the acc's password ... or i would have blogged earlier... crap... Who's is reading this ? i do not care now ... i am going to speak my mind... real piece of my mind... the part i am going to unleash soon ... the devils n demons ... the pain n suffering i had ... the fear... the anger ... the rage ... the madness in me ... the insane part of me... the part tat just wants to fuck the hell out of ppl ... make everyone afraid... afraid of me ... i ... know it is wrong ... i am pissed right now... pissed tat i will do it ... pissed tat i will hurt ppl ... pissed tat it is coming ... pissed tat it is coming at a wrong time... pissed ... truely pissed ... i apologise for wat i will do ... i am likely to be immoral ... i will become ... the embodiment of evil ... i am really afraid of wat i will do... bastard me ...

sigh ... forgive me ... i sin ... too painful ... cannot hold on ... yet cannot release it ... just like ginji ... the more i stay ... the more dangerous i become ... just like jio ... all i need to do is just to open up ... pulling names from comics ... the reason is... to find a similarity ... stupid me... haha ... good bye ...

hiiii .... just came back from genting... got gifts for many ... hehe ... see who thick skin want to come find me and ask nia ... hmm... met kelland there ... once at bowling alley ... once at the foot of genting n once at the immigrations check point... over there ... i kept thinking of some 1... :) hopefully ...by next posting ... i can upload pics... things are running in my mind now ... the next step i should take... hmm... now... just waiting for the big guy to be done wif his ideals n thinking before it goes all over again...

hmm ... i am really anger wif my dad ... each time he touch my com ... in hope of making it better ... it gets worse ... now ... i have my screen in a mess ... cannot read in a proper manner ... it is now so screwed up... increase my screen area n my come screen will go off on it own ... irritation ... not only that ... now my cd rom drive is also out of comission ... arg ... have to use other ppl's com to do this even... sigh... cant blame him... he was only tring to help ... haiz...

hmm... using bbsgb computer now... sigh... what kind of cheapo whould do tat acutally... slacking when supposed to work... haha... well ... this are going to change soon any way... :)joseph is retaking his n lvl ... i am thinking abt certain changes... going to pay back certain things... pay back many favours... eric... sis gwen ... hmmm ... who else... lol ... cannot remember ... going to pay them back anyway ... even of they do not want to take it from me ... so wat if sis gwen is rich ... haha ... i will insist :) ... bbsgb closing is 2day... at vivo city ... distributions will be until 30 dec... dunno... going to have fun either way... genting trip on 23-25 ... haiz ... so much things wif so little time to enjoy it... just going to enjoy life for this year... untill the end of it... :) ... *catch my hint* ... hehe ... my last burst of fun i guess... hehe must get cheeky of a last time at least... so ... watch out my that someone ... ^^

i will be changing in a moment... change ... truely.... for good.... not hopefully ... really... it will happen soon... i can feel it ...

tomorrow ... sunday ... god ... old folks ... visit ... prayer ... feeling desperate ... feeling out of place ... feeling so many things ... trying ... to isolate ... to prove something ... prove i am truely alone ... prove there are ppl around me that cares ... prove ...so many things ... tired ... very tired ... tired of everything ... planted 2 seeds ... of hope ... around ... hope they will grow into pillars of mine... tired ... very tired ... mental fatigue ... just want ... to rest ... and wake up ... forgetting everything ... i rather ... suffer ... from being alone ... then ... cause suffering to the people around ... i ... have already cause ... more than enough harm ... already caused ... enough pain ...i hate ... ppl ... worrying around ... act tough ... pretend i am ok ...

i always hated parties for a reason... for many years of going to parties n being invisible there ... i finally ... have been noticed... not by the ppl around me ... but a person close to a stranger in some sense to me . ... i am so happy tat i can cry ... really ... for it has been some time since i really felt tat ... the feeling of being wanted not because of anything ... but just out of concern ... faith ... perhaps u noe why ... tat is if u r reading my post ... haha sigh ... no one can understand me ... or at least that is what i think... till someone can prove me wrong... sigh ...













i noe i will wreck havoc ...



i want help ...




i am looking for a person to help me... i have already found tat person ... to that person ... the reason i told u everything is that ... i want to give it all up ... change ... my past ... must be a mystery ... i cannot ... say anything... to anyone abt it... after i change... for ... there is no such thing as a eraser of the mind... there is only a thing called ... a new book ... a new chapter ... a new beginning ... a new page ... that changes everything...for when i change out from who i am now ... i will be... totally different from who i am ... for ... i will be drawing a line in myself ... me and my past...when i make that choice...



all will change... 360 degree change... total ... i will tell ... more... in due time... all in due time...

i just hope things will not go wrong ... i am risking everything again ... "i am in control" i am sreaming to myself that ... i need my support ... i planned this... hate using the word "planned" ... i do not want to lose my self ... i am losing it.. the more i think... arhh!!!!!!!!! roar!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i do not want to me controlled... i want to be freed from all this !!!!!!! be a free spirit !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i do not want my madness control me!!!!!!!!!! i do not want to be turning unto my frenzied me ... my madness ... i want more knowledge roar!!!!!!!!!!!

oh baby ... plz stop making me break down from what u say ... it hurts to see u sad ... i do not want him to take over what i am doing ... i may just lost it ... you know what i mean ... i just cannot bear it ... your smile can hid the sadness on your face but it cannot hide the sadness coming from your heart ... perhaps i am wrong ... but i am just concern ... the closer i find tat u are to me ... the more i care ... nothiing can change that ...

friends are influencing me... i do not know ... why i let this happen... it feels good ... but it does not seem right... who am i ? a puppet or a puppeteer... i feel messed up... it hurts ... i do not noe ... it is right... but i do not want to change anything... i am afriad i may lost everything if i do ... something that meant so much to me ... i noe... i cannot let go... i do not wish to let go ... i do not want my life to wasted yet ... teach me ... i do not want to lose control ...

my song currently playing

blue october - hate me

(Verse 1)
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 2)
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you


(Verse 3)
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling make it go away,
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

notes i have taken today ...
:
words of power
kill with overlove
god has a plan
true worship needs true sacrifice
give wat god wants n god will give you what u want
what you reap and what youe sow will be of the same value
life of service
constant offering

i do noe the meaning... they meant something ... it is all logic... just logic...

this week was love ... surprising theme... it felt as if it was pointed at me ... i would find it very wierd ... for i no longer noe... wat is left of it ... that can be still found in me ... thanks faith ... i noe wat u mean ... i hate myself for all the logic i can get ... while i am doing things ... a smile ... a kiss ... a wink ... a laugh ... just by the simple look ... i can tell ... if it was done willingly or not willingly ... wif wat ever emotions tat may be there
... all shall come to me as logic ... it hurts ... badly ... at the hole dug on my chest ... the bottonless pit ...for there is no longer anything thing there ... a zombie does not need a heart... for the blood does not flow in the first place... i want to live ... to live ... just live ... even in denial ... just to live... forget everything ... plz ... god ? devil ? demi-god ? demi-devil ? anyone ? plz ? it is really painful ... i asked n u gave ... at least ... plz teach me ... how to use it PROPERLY ... i do not want to mess up myself even more ...

just got a new skin... not sure if the song is playing... there seems to be a prob sumwhere... haiz ...i cannot see what lies ahead of me... really... i want to be just like any other kids... i hate it when i get proven wrong tat i am not just any normal person... i have a IQ of 131!!! the normal ppl's range is 80-120 ... i am a Complex Intellectual and Visual Mathematician and has a Balanced-brained for thinking ... hate it ... i did the 3 test... i really hate the results ... i told me i am not normal... the rest of this post is wat i copied over from the results they gave me...
The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways.
i am highly intelligent and have extraordinarily strong verbal and math skills. Compared to others i am a highly conceptual and complex thinker and is able to understand information in an abstract form. i also show great attention to detail. In fact, it's hard to find something i'm not good at.
Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities
my Intellectual Type is Visual Mathematician. This means i am gifted at spotting patterns — both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with myyour overall high intelligence make me good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust me instincts and turn to me for direction — especially in the workplace.